Today’s story comes from Michelle, a Miss Marijuana reader who uses marijuana for depression. She found that cannabis paired with CBD oil helped her beat her suicidal thoughts and stoped her from feeling depressed. Here’s her story:
By: Michelle Shotwell
I had my first experience with Cannabis when I was 15. I smoked with one of my friends and her mother.
I don’t remember much, but I remember loving the feeling of being high. I continued smoking on and off throughout high school.
The year 2007 was when I started smoking regularly. I loved being high, I loved the feeling of being able to truly let go, to not feel stress.
I never imagined that this plant that I was using to numb myself with would turn into something that would save my life.
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In 2014 I started going to therapy at the behest of my girlfriend. She could see the problems I chose to ignore, so in order to keep my relationship I agreed to get help.
I struggled through therapy for a year. I didn’t want medications, I didn’t want to put in the work. I felt like I was fine, everyone else was the problem.
My girlfriend and I had so many fights, and they were devastating. I wanted everything to be her fault so I didn’t have to look at myself.
I don’t remember how or why, but once it finally clicked that I needed to take care of myself, most of my life fell into place.
I still had plenty of work to do, but actually taking my mental health seriously made a huge difference. I was still using Cannabis at this time, but still as a means to numb and forget.
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In 2015 my girlfriend and I bought a house, got married, and I started a new job. Three of the most stressful life events in one year.
Even with my medications, therapy, and Cannabis I was still struggling with self harm and suicidal thoughts.
My first stay in a psychiatric facility was in the spring of 2016. I was diagnosed with anxiety and major depression.
I was discharged after a week, but I didn’t feel like my stay was helpful.
I continued on with my life, and chose to ignore my depression and anxiety. I was doing what I felt was best for me.
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I was terrified to go back to the hospital, so I pushed through everything that I was feeling.
I still had thoughts of suicide and self harm. I was still going to therapy, but I felt like no one was listening.
I pushed through, I did my best to keep my head above water, but I still felt like I was drowning. I was constantly thinking about killing myself because I just wanted the pain to stop.
My life was dark and scary, and I was ready for it to be over. I had essentially rage quit my job and I felt lost, so I felt like the best thing for me to do was to go back into the hospital.
This time it was only four days, and I finally felt like I was heading in the right direction.
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I found CBD at the end of 2017 and decided to try it. I had nothing to lose because I felt like I was running out of options. It was during this time that I really started to focus on myself and healing.
Over the next two years I worked on myself. I let myself grow and heal, and I wouldn’t have been able to do that without CBD and cannabis. The combination of the two helped my body and my mind heal.
I finally saw light at the end of a very long tunnel. It’s March of 2019 and I’m finally working again. I’m making connections and progressing in life instead of being stagnant.
I wouldn’t have made it to 34 if I hadn’t reached out and asked for help. I did my research and started using CBD and cannabis in a smarter way.
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It wasn’t just to feel numb anymore. They’re both a huge part of my life now, I can’t imagine going back. It’s turned into a hobby thanks to monthly cannabis-themed subscription boxes.
My wife and I are currently working on a business model for a cannabis coffee shop.
I’m living my life instead of letting my anxiety take over. I use CBD and cannabis responsibly now, I no longer feel the need to use it to numb myself.
I’m lowering the dosages of my medications little by little, the goal is to come off of them completely before we start our family.
I feel ready to start a family and that in itself is huge for my wife and myself; I never thought that I would get to this amazing place that I’m in right now.
I still have my bad days, but I’m growing by using coping mechanisms. I’ve put in the work and now I’m reaping the rewards.